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How to Ruin a Potentially Great Relationship With One Big Fat Lie. You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar- coated—in fact, it’s sugar- free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love. You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar- coated—in fact, it’s sugar- free, and…Read more Read.
This week we have a woman whose lies to an online date quickly got away from her. Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional—just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives.
If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let’s get on with it. Recently, I was in another city for work, so I changed my Ok. Cupid profile to that location. I was messaged by a guy we’ll call “Sam,” and we started talking.
Within 2. 4 hours, we had phone numbers, real names, FB profiles, etc. And at some point, naturally, he asked what part of the city I was in.
Instead of just saying “Oh, sorry. My bad. Just in town for work.” I straight up lied and named an area in the city.. I said I recently moved there for work, that I am in corporate housing (so he wouldn’t ask me too many questions about the neighborhood), and that I am currently on the road until I’m back in the city at the end of August. And Sam, sweet Sam… He just took it all for face value. Over the last three weeks we have texted/talked/chatted all day, every day, and all signs point to a serious, solid, thoughtful match. So I spent around a grand to fly down to see him, staying in a hotel, renting a car—all to keep this pretense up—and surprise, surprise, it was a bust. We didn’t sleep together, he didn’t try and kiss me, or even hold my hand.
I wasn’t expecting sex that night, but I was under the impression that we would have more time together. Instead, he wanted to reschedule our second date, and I pretty much flipped because, obviously, I couldn’t. So we had a squabble in front of the subway station.
I told him I was disappointed in him not wanting to see me, that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this anymore. His face went red and he said “I think I’m going to throw up.” I tried to hug him, to reassure him, and he asked me to not touch him. Then he said “get home safe” and disappeared into the subway tunnel. I went back to my hotel, cried, and then checked out the next morning. I waited for 6 hours at the airport before my flight Sunday morning because he didn’t want to meet me.
A few days later, I emailed him the truth. I wasn’t expecting much of a response, but the one I got killed me. He said he does not want to continue our conversations and to not contact him ever again.
He has had issues with lying exes in the past and said this falsehood is clearly an indication of my character. He recognizes that this wasn’t a malicious act against him, but feels sickened knowing that I lied to create intimacy between us. So, my question is how long do I pursue this? How can I tell him that this was just a stupid mistake? That I am not his ex… Or, when a 3. I just shut up and leave him alone? The fact that I haven’t been blocked yet gives me hope that he might come around.
Sincerely,Heartbroken in Seattle. Hey Heartbroken in Seattle: Liar, liar, pants on fire. I think you’re done here, kiddo. I know that you went through all this trouble because you felt a special connection with Sam, and that you honestly didn’t mean any harm, but what you did is really tough to come back from. It’s one thing to lie online about your favorite movie, your height, or even your age (it’s just a number, right?). But to fool someone into believing you live in the same city just to get closer to them is a bit dastardly.
Like, that’s some sociopath shit right there. Watch That`S What I Am 4Shared. You’re completely disregarding other people’s feelings to get what you want. That should bother you.
Go sit in the corner and think about what you did. Now, before you put on your dunce cap and write “I will not lie to people for my own personal gain” a thousand times on the chalkboard, let’s do a thought experiment. Say this ruse of yours didn’t blow up in your face on that fateful weekend—what’s the game plan then miss con artist? Do you get him on the hook and then finally tell him the truth when he’s in too deep? How romantic! Do you move to that city for a stranger you’ve only chatted with for three weeks in hopes he’ll never find out? Not creepy at all! Seriously, Heartbroken, did you think this through?
I can maybe understand the lie upfront—he caught you off guard and you were curious to see where things go. But you lied to this dude’s face for three weeks straight! You could have been honest with him at any time. Then, then, you had the audacity to be disappointed in him when he assumed rescheduling a date would be alright… that it wouldn’t cost you another $1,0. Sweet Sam” took everything for face value because that’s what you do when you’re looking for love, for something real—you have to take those risks.
And you threw it in his face, Heartbroken. You know, now that I think of it, maybe Sam got wise when you came to visit. Maybe that’s why he didn’t seem that into you, or why your second date never happened. Maybe he finally did his due diligence and looked you up. Maybe he saw that you lived somewhere else, that you’d been lying to him the entire time, and maybe he hated how you didn’t finally tell him the truth when you met up face to face. Perhaps he already gave you a chance to come clean. If he doesn’t want you to contact him, don’t.
Do not pursue this. You don’t need to tell him that this was a stupid mistake—he knows, that’s why he’s moving on.
And don’t tell him that you’re not his ex, because at best, that’s what you are now. Leave “Sweet Sam” alone. Who knows? Maybe he’ll get over it and reach out to you again someday… but I doubt it. And even if he does, and you guys get together, he’ll have a hard time ever trusting you again. Now, dust yourself off, go put on a fresh pair of pants, and try not to set those ablaze next time.
Each day, we make the same choice hundreds of times: whether to lie or tell the truth. It often…Read more Read. That’s it for this week, but I still have plenty of blunt, honest advice bottled up inside. Tell me, what’s troubling you? Is work getting you down? Are you having problems with a friend or a coworker?
Is your love life going through a rough patch? Do you just feel lost in life, like you have no direction? Tell me, and maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love.
Ask away in the comments below, or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page (please include “ADVICE” in the subject line). Or tweet at me with #Tough.
Love! Also, DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR REQUEST FEATURED. I do not have time to respond to everyone just for funsies.
Til next time, figure things out for yourself.
Here's The Full 1. Page Anti- Diversity Screed Circulating Internally at Google [Updated]Update 8/5/1. ET: Google’s new Vice President of Diversity, Integrity & Governance Danielle Brown has issued her own memo to Google employees in response to the now- viral memo, “Google’s Ideological Echo Chamber.” Brown’s statement, obtained by Motherboard, can be found in full at the end of this article.
A software engineer’s 1. Google’s diversity initiatives is going viral inside the company, being shared on an internal meme network and Google+. The document’s existence was first reported by Motherboard, and Gizmodo has obtained it in full. In the memo, which is the personal opinion of a male Google employee and is titled “Google’s Ideological Echo Chamber,” the author argues that women are underrepresented in tech not because they face bias and discrimination in the workplace, but because of inherent psychological differences between men and women.
We need to stop assuming that gender gaps imply sexism,” he writes, going on to argue that Google’s educational programs for young women may be misguided. The post comes as Google battles a wage discrimination investigation by the US Department of Labor, which has found that Google routinely pays women less than men in comparable roles. Gizmodo has reached out to Google for comment on the memo and how the company is addressing employee concerns regarding its content. We will update this article if we hear back. The text of the post is reproduced in full below, with some minor formatting modifications. Two charts and several hyperlinks are also omitted. Reply to public response and misrepresentation.
I value diversity and inclusion, am not denying that sexism exists, and don’t endorse using stereotypes. When addressing the gap in representation in the population, we need to look at population level differences in distributions. If we can’t have an honest discussion about this, then we can never truly solve the problem. Psychological safety is built on mutual respect and acceptance, but unfortunately our culture of shaming and misrepresentation is disrespectful and unaccepting of anyone outside its echo chamber. Despite what the public response seems to have been, I’ve gotten many personal messages from fellow Googlers expressing their gratitude for bringing up these very important issues which they agree with but would never have the courage to say or defend because of our shaming culture and the possibility of being fired.
This needs to change. TL: DRGoogle’s political bias has equated the freedom from offense with psychological safety, but shaming into silence is the antithesis of psychological safety. This silencing has created an ideological echo chamber where some ideas are too sacred to be honestly discussed. The lack of discussion fosters the most extreme and authoritarian elements of this ideology. Extreme: all disparities in representation are due to oppression.
Authoritarian: we should discriminate to correct for this oppression. Differences in distributions of traits between men and women may in part explain why we don’t have 5. Discrimination to reach equal representation is unfair, divisive, and bad for business.
Background [1]People generally have good intentions, but we all have biases which are invisible to us. Thankfully, open and honest discussion with those who disagree can highlight our blind spots and help us grow, which is why I wrote this document.[2] Google has several biases and honest discussion about these biases is being silenced by the dominant ideology.
What follows is by no means the complete story, but it’s a perspective that desperately needs to be told at Google. Google’s biases. At Google, we talk so much about unconscious bias as it applies to race and gender, but we rarely discuss our moral biases. Watch Kiss Me, Kill Me Mediafire. Political orientation is actually a result of deep moral preferences and thus biases. Considering that the overwhelming majority of the social sciences, media, and Google lean left, we should critically examine these prejudices.
Left Biases. Compassion for the weak. Disparities are due to injustices. Humans are inherently cooperative. Change is good (unstable) Open. Idealist. Right Biases. Respect for the strong/authority. Disparities are natural and just. Watch Sole Proprietor Online Hulu on this page.
Humans are inherently competitive. Change is dangerous (stable)Closed. Pragmatic. Neither side is 1. A company too far to the right may be slow to react, overly hierarchical, and untrusting of others. In contrast, a company too far to the left will constantly be changing (deprecating much loved services), over diversify its interests (ignoring or being ashamed of its core business), and overly trust its employees and competitors. Only facts and reason can shed light on these biases, but when it comes to diversity and inclusion, Google’s left bias has created a politically correct monoculture that maintains its hold by shaming dissenters into silence. This silence removes any checks against encroaching extremist and authoritarian policies.
For the rest of this document, I’ll concentrate on the extreme stance that all differences in outcome are due to differential treatment and the authoritarian element that’s required to actually discriminate to create equal representation. Possible non- bias causes of the gender gap in tech [3]At Google, we’re regularly told that implicit (unconscious) and explicit biases are holding women back in tech and leadership. Of course, men and women experience bias, tech, and the workplace differently and we should be cognizant of this, but it’s far from the whole story. On average, men and women biologically differ in many ways.
These differences aren’t just socially constructed because: They’re universal across human cultures. They often have clear biological causes and links to prenatal testosterone. Biological males that were castrated at birth and raised as females often still identify and act like males. The underlying traits are highly heritable. They’re exactly what we would predict from an evolutionary psychology perspective. Note, I’m not saying that all men differ from women in the following ways or that these differences are “just.” I’m simply stating that the distribution of preferences and abilities of men and women differ in part due to biological causes and that these differences may explain why we don’t see equal representation of women in tech and leadership. Many of these differences are small and there’s significant overlap between men and women, so you can’t say anything about an individual given these population level distributions.
Personality differences. Women, on average, have more: Openness directed towards feelings and aesthetics rather than ideas. Women generally also have a stronger interest in people rather than things, relative to men (also interpreted as empathizing vs. These two differences in part explain why women relatively prefer jobs in social or artistic areas.
More men may like coding because it requires systemizing and even within SWEs, comparatively more women work on front end, which deals with both people and aesthetics. Extraversion expressed as gregariousness rather than assertiveness.
Also, higher agreeableness. This leads to women generally having a harder time negotiating salary, asking for raises, speaking up, and leading. Note that these are just average differences and there’s overlap between men and women, but this is seen solely as a women’s issue.